A pan just for tortilla bowls

Back when I turned forty, I wrote a poem on my blog about all the things I'd do upon turning 40. Here is one stanza:


When I am 40, I shall

begin carefully observing and defending against
the persuasive powers of the infomercials
on the Hallmark channel
so that when I am older older
I will not be convinced that I need
an expandable hose or a special pan to make tortilla bowls.


What I want you to note, first of all, is my incredible poetic gift.

I got started early on, after college upon getting a hotmail address, with many thanks to Nigerian princes and other similar sources that allowed me to generate spam haiku.


Stop suffering from
Hair loss sitewide sale for you
Fix your credit score


Billy Collins is my favorite "modern" poet. If you find yourself in a bookstore, you will usually find the poetry on the way to the restroom. (It's true, and I wrote an entire essay about this in my first book.) Do get a book by Billy Collins. Whenever I go camping, I take a book of Collins' poetry with me and insist friends listen as I read around the fire while sap drips on the pages and someone inevitably says "I don't get it."

Collins doesn't tend to write overly precious "my agony! my agony!" poetry. For instance, he has a poem about wanting to shoot his neighbor's noisy barking dog. So his stuff is real.

But back to my poem when I turn 40. I'm sorry to say that I am incredibly persuaded by those commercials, even now as I get closer to 50. 


But Wait There's More
a  crappy poem by Julie R. Neidlinger

Unbeknownst to me a plot was
in the air.
There were products 
I never knew I needed.

There were also related products
To the unnecessary products
I never knew I needed.

Alice went down the rabbit hole
calling while operators were standing by
but mine was
carefully crafted remarketing ads.

Instagram
Add This For Only $10 More
Call Now
$79 Value For Only $20
Facebook 
YouTube
If You Click From This Page You'll Never Get Another Chance At This Deal
But Wait There's More


I don't use tortillas much, but I know that if I stumble around the internet and social media enough--now that Google knows I wrote about tortillas--I will soon be convinced I do, indeed, need a special pan to make tortilla bowls.

I'd go find a picture of one of those tortilla bowl pans to show you here in this post, but if I put that in a Google search, my life is ruined.

Because there's always more.

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